DV in the Jewish Community: How you can help a friend

Yes, domestic abuse is a Jewish issue
Washington Jewish Week - Wednesday, October 20, 2010
by Elissa Malter Schwartz and Lora Griff,

October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. As executive director and clinical supervisor respectively of the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, we frequently hear: Is it really an issue in the Jewish community? It's mainly an issue for the Orthodox community/Reform community/stay-at-home moms/families in economic crisis (fill in your choice of group), right?

In other words, it affects them, not people like me.

Here is what we know. Since its founding in 2000 JCADA, has received more than 1,300 calls from individuals seeking assistance. They come to confront their reality, seek help and learn how to live safely. We can learn about abuse in the local Jewish community through their stories.

Domestic abuse occurs in the Jewish community at the same rate as in the general population. Abuse cuts across socioeconomic and religious divisions. Victims can be secular, Orthodox or anywhere in between. Some live in multimillion dollar homes, but do not have access to family finances. Others do not have money for rent. Some are immigrants; others are third-generation Americans.

Victims are teachers, attorneys, doctors, executives, stay-at-home parents -- people we interact with every day. While victims are predominantly women, men can also be victims of abuse.

Abuse occurs when harmful behaviors are repeated, creating a pattern of violence, power, or control over another person.

Abuse may be overt, such as verbal, physical or sexual abuse marked by repeated insults and criticism, physical danger or bruises.

Abuse may also be subtle, such as enforced isolation, financial abuse, or repeated threats and intimidation. Victims are overwhelmed by worry for their safety and that of their children; they are often scared into complacency.

Friends are often first responders during times of crisis.

Here are some guidelines for assisting your friend who may be in an abusive relationship.

Do:

• Be supportive. Acknowledge that he or she is in a difficult and frightening position.
• Help your friend recognize that he or she deserves a healthy, nonviolent relationship.
• Know that abuse is never warranted.
• Let your friend know that you are concerned for his or her safety.
• Reassure her that she is not alone. 
• Encourage your friend to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family. Support engagement in outside interests to reconnect with sense of self.
• Validate his or her experience. Listen and believe what your friend says.
• Be patient.
• Empower your friend to regain control by making his or her own decisions.
• Respect your friend's decisions.
• Encourage your friend to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends.
• If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go for moral support.

 Do not:

• Blame the victim.
• Lecture.
• Share gossip about your friend.
• Compromise your safety.

Do not tell your friend to leave the abuser. Surprised? The most dangerous time for victims of domestic violence is when they end or threaten to end the relationship.

Often, this is when nonviolent relationships turn violent. It is essential that your friend make her own decision. If she chooses to leave, she needs to do so in her own time frame and with a safety plan developed with a skilled clinician.

Your friend may leave and return to the relationship repeatedly. Verbalize that you are there for her. Your nonjudgmental friendship is crucial during these times. Ultimately, it is more sustaining to empower loved ones than to rescue them.

Ten years ago the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (JCADA) was founded with the mission: to support victims of domestic abuse, to educate the community about what abuse looks like, and to prevent future generations from suffering by teaching awareness. 

JCADA works to empower victims through crisis counseling and safety planning. In partnership with the Jewish Federation of Greater Washington and in collaboration with JSSA and county domestic abuse programs, all services are free.

Jewish victims of abuse in the Greater Washington area have a place to get help. If you or someone you know needs JCADA’s confidential services please call 301-315-8041, or visit www.JCADA.org

Elissa Malter Schwartz is the executive director of JCADA (www.JCADA.org).
Lora Griff is JCADA's clinical supervisor and has a child and family private practice in Rockville, www.loragriff.com