By Selena Snow, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist
My son’s basketball coach
frequently calls out to the kids, “Look up and see what you got!” When the boys
get the ball, they often think that they have to get it back down to the other
end of the court and score all on their own. Their coach tries to remind them
to look up from dribbling and see who on the team can help them to score. Often
in life, we too forget to look up and see who is available to help us. Even
when we know who is there, it can still be difficult to ask for help. Just as one player isn’t wholly
responsible for achieving the win, we also do not have to accomplish our goals
all on our own. We can turn for help to the rest of our team, be it friends,
family, community members, religious leaders, professionals at JCADA, or mental
health professionals in the community at large.
My son’s basketball coach
frequently calls out to the kids, “Look up and see what you got!” When the boys
get the ball, they often think that they have to get it back down to the other
end of the court and score all on their own. Their coach tries to remind them
to look up from dribbling and see who on the team can help them to score. Often
in life, we too forget to look up and see who is available to help us. Even
when we know who is there, it can still be difficult to ask for help. Just as one player isn’t wholly
responsible for achieving the win, we also do not have to accomplish our goals
all on our own. We can turn for help to the rest of our team, be it friends,
family, community members, religious leaders, professionals at JCADA, or mental
health professionals in the community at large.
Our willingness to ask others for
help at times is what can truly make us independent. For example, when an older
adult is willing to accept help with meals and housekeeping, he or she may be able
to continue living on his or her own in the community. Similarly, when I ask my
accountant for help managing the financial aspects of my psychology practice, I
am then able to successfully continue running an independent private practice. The
same thing holds true for seeking psychological help when we are struggling
with depression, anxiety, trauma, or domestic violence. Asking for help is the
first step to empower ourselves to overcome challenges and emerge with new
tools and skills that can be applied throughout our lifetimes.
Unfortunately, we are often held back by misconceptions that others
will judge us negatively if we let them know about our personal struggles and
challenges. Yet the more we isolate ourselves with our difficulties, the more
alone we feel and the less we are able to tap into the rest of our team for the
strength and support that we need. It is important to remember that mental
illness is quite prevalent. Government surveys have found that 1 in 5 American
adults experience a mental illness in a given year.[i] It is not shameful to
struggle with emotional difficulties; rather, it is a shame not to get the help
that is available. Research has shown that it can take a long time to ask for
that help.[ii]
One of the barriers to asking for
help is lack of information. Who should I ask for help? How will I know if they
are any good? A friend recently asked me for a referral for her child, as many
of my friends have done over the years. Once she was able to get past her
discomfort of asking, she was able to get connected to helpful resources. Use
your team to find out where to go for help. Try asking mental health
professionals you may know, checking online information sources, or asking medical
providers for referrals.
Other barriers to asking for help
include fear of rejection and fear of failure. What if I ask someone for help
and they say no? What if I try to make improvements in my life and I don’t
succeed? These are the types of thoughts that can prevent people from accessing
help and hold them back in other spheres of life as well.
Try to challenge negative
thoughts and ask yourself what it would mean if these feared events occurred and
if there are other ways to think about them. For example, “I can handle it if
someone says ‘no’ and it won’t be a catastrophe. It may not even have anything
to do with me.” You can also try the double-standard-exercise of asking
yourself what you would say to someone else contemplating getting help. You would
likely imagine saying something kinder and more encouraging to others than what
you would have said to yourself.
Another impediment to asking for help is not prioritizing
self-care. We’re all so busy taking care of family, jobs, and myriad
responsibilities, that our own needs fall very low on the priority list.
Learning to carve out time to tend to our own well-being in spite of the many demands upon us can ensure that we continue to
successfully meet those demands. Taking that first step of asking for help is
already creating a shift in beginning to prioritize self-care. Hopefully, the
thoughts in this article will encourage us all to ask for help when we need it,
as well as be there for others when they reach out.
Dr. Selena Snow is a licensed psychologist in the state of Maryland. She
earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology in 1999 from the University of Maryland
and a B.A. in Psychology from the City University of New York. She is currently
in private practice in Rockville, MD, and specializes in treating adults and
adolescents for depression, anxiety/stress, anger management, relationship issues,
and adjustment to life transitions, such as childbirth, divorce, death/loss,
medical illness, and changes in school or work status.
[i] Results from the 2011 National Survey on Drug Use and Health: Mental
Health Findings. 2012.
Results from the 2013 National Survey on
Drug Use and Health: Mental Health Findings. 2014.
<
http://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/NSDUHmhfr2013/NSDUHmhfr2013.pdf>
[ii] Notarius & Buongiorno, 1992, as cited in Gottman, J. M., &
Gottman, J. S. (1999). The marriage survival kit. In R. Berger & M. T. Hannah
(Eds.), Preventive approaches in couples therapy (pp. 304–330). Philadelphia:
Brunner⁄Mazel.
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