JCADA

Yom Kippur Refelction 2011

2011-09-27T12:41:00.000-04:00

By Rabbi David Rose, JCADA Advisory Board Member

The most well known piyyut (medieval liturgical poem) of the High Holy Day liturgy is the U-netaneh Tokef. In this moving meditation we read; “Even the angels are dismayed, seized with fear and trembling they cry out: ‘The Day of Judgment has arrived!’”

Our tradition sees the Day of Judgment as a wonderful gift from God. Judgment seems like an awful, terrible thing, and yet our tradition sees these Days of Judgment as a beautiful blessing. We call these days ‘Yom Tov,’ literally ‘good or festive days’; for they are an opportunity for self-awareness and improvement. We come to the Heavenly Court, so-to-speak, contrite for our failings and proud of our accomplishments. Reviewing our successes and our failures of the past year, we individually take responsibility for our own lives and chart a path for blessings in the coming year.

But what if every day was Yom HaDin, The Day of Judgment? What if every single day brought fear and trembling? What if this constant judgment was never just? What if the judgment was not through self-awareness before the Heavenly Judge but was daily before an earthly, capricious, abusive individual who had set themselves up as your judge, jury and prosecutor? What if the sentences of this malicious judge were a way of exercising control and power over your life and choices?

So it is for millions in our midst who suffer in abusive relationships. Abuse, a pattern of coercive behaviors used to establish power and control over an intimate partner, leaves those victimized by these behaviors in constant fear and trembling. “I constantly felt like I was being judged,” a woman who had left an abusive relationship told me. “What made it so frightening was that the rules by which I was being judged constantly changed. I never knew what would set him off. I walked around on eggshells, paralyzed, in never ending fear, just waiting for the next explosion.” For many who suffer in abusive relationships there are periods of calm and tenderness but those spells never seem to last. “When after days or even weeks of his behaving like an angel he would again belittle me, make fun of me, embarrass me in front of our children and friends, criticize me for things that he complimented me for just days earlier, there was a strange kind of relief that things were back to ‘normal.’”

“Normal” for too many, mostly women, sitting in our midst in synagogues and temples this Yom Kippur is living with constant fear and trembling. Unfortunately, for these individuals the themes and liturgy of the holy day can add to their suffering and pain. Those who are abusive regularly ask those they have harmed for forgiveness; they vow to change, to make teshuvah (repentance or change). The liturgy encourages us to be forgiving; as God is forgiving and compassionate. The rabbi may ask us during services to turn to our partners and ask for pardon. But what if there is no teshuvah, no real change?

At Yizkor (Memorial Service) we are called to remember the righteous and good deeds of our departed family members. What if the father we are remembering was abusive of our mother? What if we were relieved to be finally free when our husband who abused us for years died? How are we to recite Yizkor prayers for such individuals?

We must remember that teshuvah is never automatic. Saying you are “sorry” is not the same as being sorry and changing. Yom Kippur does not ask us to just go through the motions, to just mumble the right words; Yom Kippur calls on us to do the hard work of teshuvah. It is so very important that we recognize that teshuvah is a process that involves multiple steps. In her book, I Thought We’d Never Speak Again: The Road From Estrangement to Reconciliation, Laura Davis makes reference to the five R’s of teshuvah: recognition, remorse, repentance, restitution and reform. On Yom Kippur we make a safe place in our midst for those who have been abused by unequivocally declaring that our tradition never tolerates controlling our intimate partners and that we need not forgive another who has not made real teshuvah. And, we must be clear to those who perpetrate family violence that the Holy One of Blessing calls upon them to acknowledge responsibility, to demonstrate remorse by truly changing behavior and to make restitution for damages caused. For more on teshuvah and domestic violence see Gus Kaufman’s outstanding article, Renewal and Reconciliation after Family Violence, found on the FaithTrust website.

We can also demonstrate our commitment to safety and justice in our communities at the Yizkor service by acknowledging that because of abusive behavior it is not always possible to remember righteous deeds of parents and intimate partners who have passed on. Such an acknowledgment creates greater awareness of the prevalence of family violence in our midst and gives permission to those who have suffered from such violence to express their grief for what could have been and should have been.

This Yom Kippur as we stand before God in judgment, grateful for the gift of life and for the sacred opportunity to improve our lives, let us make a place of safety and peace for those who are painfully and unfairly judged day after day. Let us work together to combat the egregious sin of domestic abuse in our communities and homes by shining light on the problem. And, let us build communities that nourish and support healthy and sacred relationship. Then when the Days of Judgment arrive we will all find favor before God and all humanity.

With blessings for an easy fast, a deeply meaningful Day of Atonement and a joyous 5772!

Rabbi David Rose

Ordained at The Jewish Theological Seminary, Rabbi Rose is the Founder and Director of JDiscover. In 2009, he was designated 'Clergy Person of the Year' by the Interfaith Community Against Domestic Violence, Maryland. Rabbi Rose served as Chairman of Jewish Women International Clergy Taskforce on Domestic Abuse from 2007 through 2011.

Since 1993, Rabbi Rose has trained more than 250 members of clergy, of all faiths, in recognizing and responding to the challenge of Domestic Abuse. He has counseled hundreds of women from around the country helping them toward safety and new lives. His perspectives on this subject are featured in the documentary film "When the Vow Breaks." In 2004, he was awarded a "Certificate of Special Congressional Recognition" and the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse's "Community Service Award" for these efforts.

*Taken from the Faith Trust Institute

At This Year's Passover Sedar

2011-04-15T11:25:00.002-04:00

This spring we have an article by JCADA board member Rabbi Michael J. Safra, Rabbi of B’nai Israel Congregation, Rockville, MD. The article highlights the parallels between Passover’s theme of freedom and JCADA’s mission to feel free, especially in our own homes. Please consider including Rabbi’s Safra’s words in your sedar. We wish you all a happy, healthy, and safe Passover.

From the Haggadah:

וַנִּצְעַק אֶל ה' אֳלֹהֵי אֲבֹתֵינוּ, וַיִּשְׁמַע ה' אֶת קֹלֵנוּ, וַיָרְא אֶת עָנְיֵנוּ וְאֶת עֲמָלֵנוּ וְאֶת לַחֲצֵנוּ.
We cried out to Adonai, the Lord of our fathers, and Adonai heard our plea and saw our plight, our misery, and our oppression (Deuteronomy 26:7).

Commentary from the Haggadah:

וַיַּרְא אֶת עָנְיֵנוּ - זוֹ פְּרִישׁוּת דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ, כְּמָה שֶׁנאמר: וַיַרְא אֱלֹהִים אֶת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיֵדָע אֱלֹהִים.

And saw our plight, This is the cessation of family life, as it is said: “the Lord looked upon the Israelites, and the Lord took notice of (lit. knew) them” (Exodus 2:24).

According to Rabbinic Midrash, the Egyptians attempted to demoralize the Israelites by disrupting family life. One legend posits that Amram, Moses’s father, became so overburdened by the work as a slave and the decrees of the Egyptian Pharaoh that he divorced his wife, Yocheved. Miriam ultimately convinced her father to reconcile with Yocheved. Their renewed relationship brought about the birth of Moses and ultimately saved the Jewish people (Talmud Sotah 12a). Another legend suggests that the Israelite women helped to overcome Pharaoh’s evil decree by finding their husbands at the end of each long day of work, preparing romantic meals, and creating an intimate environment (Talmud Sotah 11a).

These legends are the product of a different era, incorporating gender norms far different from our own. But they speak to the power of shalom bayit, peace in the home. The disruption of family life by the Egyptians threatened to destroy our people. The determination to build peaceful homes and to nurture the family “against all odds” ultimately enabled this small band of slaves to topple the brutal, powerful Egyptian regime.

Tragically, today there are families for whom the idea of shalom bayit has been compromised by domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is a pattern of physically, sexually, verbally, financially and/or emotionally abusive or controlling behavior in a relationship. Abusers threaten their victims and disrupt the tranquility, predictability, and safety that are supposed to be the hallmark of family life.

Passover is an opportunity to renew our commitment to help individuals who are enslaved by the horrors of abuse. We, as a Jewish community, have a responsibility to show victims that they are not alone. JCADA provides counseling and resources to empower victims of abuse, to help them respond to their situations, and most importantly, help ensure their safety. We have an added obligation to educate our children and community about the characteristics of healthy relationships. We cannot ignore the reality of this enslavement; there are things we can do and must do, for the survival of the physical and spiritual well-being of the victims in our community.

May the haggadah’s words of hope be heard by all victims of abuse:

הָשַׁתָּא עַבְדֵי, לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בְּנֵי חוֹרִין

This year you are slaves; next year may you be free.”

Purim –A Social Justice Perspective

2011-02-25T10:10:00.000-05:00

Purim –A Social Justice Perspective
by Deborah Swerdlow

As a little girl, I always wanted to dress up as Queen Esther for Purim. She seemed so glamorous, the heroine of the story—and playing Esther meant I got to wear a pretty dress and a crown. I don’t recall wanting to dress up as Queen Vashti, who seemed the minor character with a few lines at the beginning and a sudden disappearance.

Queen Esther risked her life to beg King Ahasuerus to stop Haman’s plan to kill the Persian Jews. But the fact is that Esther needed some encouragement from her uncle Mordechai to stand up for herself and her people. She hemmed and hawed, worried that she was risking her life by approaching the king without an invitation. It is only after Mordechai tells her to consider the needs of her community that she does what is right.

The wonderful thing about the Jewish calendar is that each year, we have another chance to read the same text and find new meaning in it. Through the lens of my position as the RAC’s Eisendrath Legislative Assistant for women’s issues, Vashti now looks like the more admirable female in the Purim story – and her quick disappearance disturbs me.

King Ahasuerus ordered Vashti to appear before his drunken princes and leaders in her royal crown so that she may show off her beauty. Why is this remarkable? Isn’t it likely that the King would summon the Queen to appear on a moment’s notice? But the rabbis add that in this case, she was summoned to appear wearing only her crown – and so Vashti flatly refused. She would not allow herself to be debased or used for the sake of another man’s entertainment. She asserted herself. Isn’t Vashti someone we should want our children to emulate and imitate?

But what became of Vashti after her moment of valor?

The text says the princes from Persia and Media suggested that King Ahasuerus banish her so that she “may never again appear before [the] King” and start looking for her replacement—the point, they said, was to make an example out of her, lest all the women in the country and princesses in these two provinces think it is acceptable to disobey their husbands. This suggested punishment implies that whatever befell Vashti after she left the castle was…not good.

We can assume that Vashti, now homeless, had no assets, no employable skills, and few, if any, people to turn to for help (after all, the “common folk” were not known to be accepting of banished queens). And that’s assuming she wasn’t immediately put to death in order to guarantee that she never come before the King again.

Unfortunately, we know what life can be like for the thousands of victims of domestic violence who stand up for themselves and walk away from their abusers, only to find that they have few resources and barely any safety net.

About one in four women will experience domestic violence at some point in her life, but not all of them find the strength and the resources to leave their abusers. Those who do may find themselves with no place to call home—the mere 2,000 emergency shelters in the United States are drastically fewer than what is required to meet the need.

Even if a woman is able to find a place to live after leaving an abusive home, she is at a greater risk for depression at a time when our mental health care system often fails to adequately address people’s needs. She may also have lingering physical injuries that impair her ability to work. A 2003 study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that victims of domestic violence lost almost 8 million days of paid work because of the violence perpetrated against them.

And then there’s the social stigma associated with domestic violence: the erroneous assumption that victims are weak and helpless, that somehow they asked for this horrible treatment, that somehow they’re toxic to everyone else.

We may not definitively know what happened to Queen Vashti, but we do know what it is like for victims of domestic violence today—and what we can do to help. (please see box below for some suggestions.)

I probably won’t dress up as Queen Esther, or Queen Vashti, for Purim this year, but I will see the story of these two women through a different lens.

Kein Ye-hi Ratzon. May it be God’s will.

Deborah Swerdlow is an Eisendrath Legislative Assistant at the Religious Action Center in Washington, D.C.

You can donate gift certificates to food stores, gas stations, and drugstores so victims can support themselves. You can donate your old cell phones to JCADA, so they can be recycled and the proceeds used to fund client services. You can also host a workshop about domestic violence at your synagogue or bring our prevention initiative AWARE’s teen program, ‘It’s Not Love,’ to a youth group or religious school in your community.

*Edited for size and to include local resources

DV in the Jewish Community: How you can help a friend

2010-11-09T12:35:00.000-05:00

Yes, domestic abuse is a Jewish issue
Washington Jewish Week - Wednesday, October 20, 2010
by Elissa Malter Schwartz and Lora Griff,

October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. As executive director and clinical supervisor respectively of the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, we frequently hear: Is it really an issue in the Jewish community? It's mainly an issue for the Orthodox community/Reform community/stay-at-home moms/families in economic crisis (fill in your choice of group), right?

In other words, it affects them, not people like me.

Here is what we know. Since its founding in 2000 JCADA, has received more than 1,300 calls from individuals seeking assistance. They come to confront their reality, seek help and learn how to live safely. We can learn about abuse in the local Jewish community through their stories.

Domestic abuse occurs in the Jewish community at the same rate as in the general population. Abuse cuts across socioeconomic and religious divisions. Victims can be secular, Orthodox or anywhere in between. Some live in multimillion dollar homes, but do not have access to family finances. Others do not have money for rent. Some are immigrants; others are third-generation Americans.

Victims are teachers, attorneys, doctors, executives, stay-at-home parents -- people we interact with every day. While victims are predominantly women, men can also be victims of abuse.

Abuse occurs when harmful behaviors are repeated, creating a pattern of violence, power, or control over another person.

Abuse may be overt, such as verbal, physical or sexual abuse marked by repeated insults and criticism, physical danger or bruises.

Abuse may also be subtle, such as enforced isolation, financial abuse, or repeated threats and intimidation. Victims are overwhelmed by worry for their safety and that of their children; they are often scared into complacency.

Friends are often first responders during times of crisis.

Here are some guidelines for assisting your friend who may be in an abusive relationship.

Do:

Be supportive. Acknowledge that he or she is in a difficult and frightening position.
Help your friend recognize that he or she deserves a healthy, nonviolent relationship.
Know that abuse is never warranted.
Let your friend know that you are concerned for his or her safety.
Reassure her that she is not alone.
Encourage your friend to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family. Support engagement in outside interests to reconnect with sense of self.
Validate his or her experience. Listen and believe what your friend says.
Be patient.
Empower your friend to regain control by making his or her own decisions.
Respect your friend's decisions.
Encourage your friend to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends.
If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go for moral support.

Do not:

Blame the victim.
Lecture.
Share gossip about your friend.
Compromise your safety.

Do not tell your friend to leave the abuser. Surprised? The most dangerous time for victims of domestic violence is when they end or threaten to end the relationship.

Often, this is when nonviolent relationships turn violent. It is essential that your friend make her own decision. If she chooses to leave, she needs to do so in her own time frame and with a safety plan developed with a skilled clinician.

Your friend may leave and return to the relationship repeatedly. Verbalize that you are there for her. Your nonjudgmental friendship is crucial during these times. Ultimately, it is more sustaining to empower loved ones than to rescue them.

Ten years ago the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (JCADA) was founded with the mission: to support victims of domestic abuse, to educate the community about what abuse looks like, and to prevent future generations from suffering by teaching awareness.

JCADA works to empower victims through crisis counseling and safety planning. In partnership with the Jewish Federation of Greater Washington and in collaboration with JSSA and county domestic abuse programs, all services are free.

Jewish victims of abuse in the Greater Washington area have a place to get help. If you or someone you know needs JCADA’s confidential services please call 301-315-8041, or visit www.JCADA.org

Elissa Malter Schwartz is the executive director of JCADA (www.JCADA.org).
Lora Griff is JCADA's clinical supervisor and has a child and family private practice in Rockville, www.loragriff.com

"Safe Jewish Homes"

2010-04-27T12:48:00.000-04:00

By Rabbi Menachem Creditor

A few years ago I spoke about Domestic Violence on Yom Kippur. Afterward, two very sweet members of my shul came up to me and said: "Rabbi, you shouldn't speak about such ugly things from the bimah. That doesn't happen here."

I responded, "Two rows behind you and a little to the left, it does."

Domestic Violence happens in Jewish homes. This drasha is the reopening of the conversation, because we need to talk about it. I wish we didn't have to. But this isn't only an issue in the Catholic Church. It is much closer to home than we'd like to admit.

The prophetic cycle is a theme within much of the Hebrew Bible. It goes as follows:

God and the Jewish people are in harmony,
we stray,
God gets angry and sends another nation to enslave us,
we repent, calling out in our pain,
God has mercy upon us and lets the Jews out from under the yoke of the other nation,
and finally God and the Jewish people are in harmony.
Until the next time.

Said differently, when the Jewish people cheat on God with another religion, God's jealousy leads to Jewish suffering, until the Jews submit again to a dependent relationship with God. Until the next time.

Much has been written about human relationship as metaphor for the relationship between God and Israel. And the implications of this metaphor are amplified a hundredfold in the words of this classic rabbinic midrash, taken from Midrash Rabbah (Exodus 31:10):

When Israel was driven from Jerusalem, their enemies took them out in chains, and the nations of the world remarked: "The Holy One, blessed be He, has no desire for this people, for it says, They are called 'rejected silver.'" Just as silver is first refined from its defects and then converted into a utensil, again refined and turned into a utensil, so many times over, until it finally breaks in the hand and is no more fit for any purpose, so were Israel saying that there was no more hope of survival for them since God had rejected them, as it says, "They are called 'rejected silver."

When Jeremiah heard this, he came to God, saying, "Lord of the Universe! Is it true that You have rejected Your children? As it says, 'Why have You smitten us so that there is no healing?' (Jer. 14:19)"

It can be compared to a man who was beating his wife.

Her best friend asked him: "How long will you go on beating her? If your desire is to drive her out, then keep on beating her till she dies! But if you do not wish her to die, then why do you keep on beating her?" The man replied, "I will not divorce my wife even if my entire home becomes a ruin."

This is what Jeremiah said to God: "If Your desire be to drive us out of this world, then smite us until we die! But if this is not Your desire, then Why have You smitten us so that there is no healing?" God replied, "I will never kill Israel, even if I destroy My world!"

"...And it is not because," says God, "I am in debt to the other nations that I have handed over My sanctuary to them, but rather it is your iniquities that have caused Me to hand over to them My sanctuary. If this weren't the case, why would I have to do this?"

This cycle of theological abuse is difficult for many to accept, and rightly so. And linking God to jealousy and violent rage is not my goal. In fact, my goal is to demand the exact opposite stance - that Judaism demands absolute rejection of all forms of abuse.

We've suffered too much abuse in our people's history to cause it to anyone else.

Rabbi Avi Weiss has taught that "the test of a community is the way it treats its most vulnerable members." We, as a moral Jewish community, must reject any concept of God as a jealous and dominating partner - because it forces all of us to identify as victims. This is an unhealthy model of relationship, and a shameful, twisted image of a loving God.

But the abusive theological model and its language are found within Jewish tradition. We must take a next step together and acknowledge the fact that abuse has happened, and continues to happen, in traditional Jewish communities.

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Abuse happens within Jewish families. Physical and verbal abuse happen in Jewish families.

We don't like to talk about what is ugly and painful. We feel shame in revealing our less than perfect family lives. We don't want the outside world to know. We don't want each other to know. So we remain silent. But we are hurting. Some of us are suffering, right here, in our midst. Others inflict deep pain upon those they claim to love.

Victims of abuse can be women or men, young or old, gay or straight. It has been suggested that, on average, Jewish women stay in abusive relationships for 5 to 7 years longer than non-Jewish women, primarily because they don't want to believe that Domestic Violence happens to Jewish women.

Abuse does happen in Jewish families. We've shared a text that portrays God as an abuser. We reject that depiction as evil and wrong.

But there are other aspects of traditional Judaism, present even in modern congregations, that maintain the weak position of the victim in the face of abuse. Here are two:

1) Some rabbis have invoked the Jewish ideal of "shalom bayit," of maintaining peace in the home, as justification for sending a woman back to her abuser. Some rabbis continue to counsel this way, and have only served to disempower suffering Jews.

2) A get, or Jewish divorce decree, according to some streams of Judaism can only be issued by a man, who can torment his partner with the get's legal power and its control over the wife's future. This makes the vulnerable woman an "Agunah," a chained woman, trapped by Judaism's rules.

These two aspects of traditional Jewish life are problems. They make victimization possible within Jewish families, and they must be changed.

We must take the deeply Jewish step forward and, together, condemn abuse of any kind in our community.

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Abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal or emotional.

It can come in the form of the ongoing use of demeaning words like "you're stupid," or ugly, or crazy. It can be total access to and control over bank accounts and finances. It can be threats to injure children or pets. It can be monitoring and limiting friendships, going out, talking on the phone.

Domestic violence is not about having a bad temper or being out of control. It is about power and control - one person exerting power and control over another. Domestic violence impacts on the entire family, injuring also the children who witness abuse by hearing it or seeing it.

I offer two anonymous testimonies from Jewish victims of Abuse. One is physical, and might help those in verbally abusive relationships say, "Oh, that's not me." But the second is a case of verbal abuse, perhaps even harder to escape.

1) "The Jewish Community sees my husband as a respected professional who is educated, talented, outgoing, friendly, loving, caring, and compassionate. They were not witness to what took place in the privacy of our home. No one saw him hit, kick, and choke me. No one heard him tell our child, 'Mommy's dead.' No one was present when he threatened to commit suicide in the presence of our child, wipe me off the face of the earth, and promised that I would not survive the night."

2) "I have a boyfriend who is charming to everyone, a real mentch, sharp thinker and everyone around looks up to him. So you can understand how I feel alone in how I am feeling - since everyone thinks so highly of him. It's difficult to talk to him about anything because everything I say is either "stupid" or "crazy". Sometimes I have to lie because I'm afraid of how he'll react to certain things. I don't mean to ramble - today was just a bad day. He says it's my fault that the relationship is going south. I know I have to distance myself from the relationship but, honestly, I don't think I can."

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We bear witness to these anonymous testimonies, wondering whether or not people sitting near us are in similar situations. We wonder, perhaps, what to do with the inescapable knowledge that there is, most likely, someone hearing this Dvar Torah who is hurting.

To anyone suffering reading this email, I promise you that God loves you, wants to comfort you, and wants our community to help you. You can come and speak with me, knowing that you are safe and not alone.

So how do we do that? As a Conservative Jewish community, we turn to Halacha, Jewish Law, for guidance. The following is a brief summary of a lengthy teshuva, a Jewish ruling, by Rabbi Elliot Dorff, entitled "Family Violence (HM 424.1995)":

1) Beating and other forms of physical abuse, such as sexual abuse, are absolutely forbidden by Jewish law.

2) Verbal abuse is absolutely forbidden by Jewish law.

3) An abuser has the responsibility to acknowledge his behavior and do teshuvah by getting help.

4) Parents may never cause a bruise to their children, no matter what decisions they make regarding corrective parenting.

5) Children may not beat their parents, even when parents were formerly abusive themselves.

6) The requirement that one preserve not only one's own life (pikkuah nefesh) but others as well, demanded by the laws of the pursuer (rodef) and of not standing idly by when another is in danger (lo ta'amod al dam ra'ekha), not only permit, but require others who discover spousal or parental abuse to help the victim report the abuse and take steps to prevent repetition of it. Jews who suspect that children are being abused must report such abuse to the civil authorities, no matter what the consequences. Saving a life takes precedence over the presumption that parental custody is best for the child.

These policies are halachicly binding. They are not optional. We are commanded by our tradition to protect ourselves and to intervene when necessary for others. There are times when it is necessary to act to protect the vulnerable.

Now and always are those times for our community.

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Opening up darkened spaces is a scary, saddening task, but it is a sacred one as well. We've been taught by our tradition that "anyone who saves one soul, it is said about her that she has saved a whole world. (TB Sanhedrin 37a)" There is nothing less at stake than the entire world of at least one person.

And one person's safety is reason enough for us all to spend the energy talking about abuse.

Perpetrating violence on an intimate partner is an affliction with a spiritual dimension that threatens the welfare of the entire community. We act with commitment to the health of our community when we hold abusers accountable. We act in accordance with halachah's call to pursue justice when we declare that abusers cannot remain in our midst and must dwell outside the camp.

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The fabric of our Jewish homes is tradition's instruction to create spaces of safety. The fabric of our homes is our Jewish ethics, which demand that we pursue justice. The fabric of our homes is our developing liturgies and holy days, which call upon us to heal and create wholeness in our world.

For the welfare of both the individual homes we are blessed have, as well as the collective one we create together at shul, I pray that we commit ourselves to doing so.

May God be with us, holding our hands, as we take these steps.

May our homes be safe and healthy.

Rabbi Menachem Creditor
http://www.menachemcreditor.org/
http://rabbicreditor.blogspot.com/
http://www.netivotshalom.org/

5770: Traveling the Path of a Meaningful Journey

2010-03-09T20:58:00.002-05:00

By: Rabbi Michael Safra

In the Torah portion Lech Lecha, God leads two people through their personal journeys.

We are most familiar with His command to Abraham, “לך לך, Go forth from your land, from your birthplace, from your father’s house to the land that I will show you.” But there is another journey that is also important. When Sarah is unable to have a child on her own, she tells Abraham to take her maidservant, Hagar, as his concubine. But when Hagar becomes pregnant, Sarah gets jealous. She treats Hagar harshly and the maidservant runs away from home.

When Hagar is on her journey, an angel of God sees her and calls out to her. The importance of this encounter is underscored by the fact that this is the first time that God or an angel speaks to a woman in the Bible. The angel calls out, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, אי מזה באת ואנה תלכי, where have you come from and where are you going?” She answered, “מפני שרי גברתי אנכי בורחת, I am running away from my mistress Sarai.” As Rabbi Kushner points out in his commentary in Etz Hayim, Hagar doesn’t answer the entire question. She tells the angel only what she is running from, but she has no destination in mind. The tragedy of her journey is that it is aimless. She doesn’t know where she is going next and so she eventually returns to Sarah’s house, which we know was a terrible place for her.

Compare Hagar’s situation with that of Abraham. Undoubtedly it was difficult for Abraham to pick up and leave his home for an unknown future. But in spite of the challenges along the way, Abraham seems confident that he is headed towards a better place.

I was recently invited to serve on the board of JCADA, the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, which, among other projects, is working to train rabbis to better help victims of domestic abuse to get out of harm’s way and to make safe choices. The Executive Director, Elissa Schwartz, told me about a conversation she had with an area rabbi who wants to be supportive; and he said that if a victim of domestic abuse came to him, he would encourage her to leave the home right away for a safer place.

This sounds like good advice, but it is actually dangerous. If a woman leaves without a solid escape plan – a place to stay, financial support, legal and other assistance – she might end up returning home as Hagar did. But now, the abuser could be more dangerous, angry because he lost power and control over his partner, even if for a short period. Our community needs to be able to help victims develop a plan. They need to know where they are going and how they will be supported by community professionals. The journey will be challenging and uncertain, but it is possible to deal with the challenges if you have a clear sense of where you are headed.

We are fortunate in our community to be served by JCADA, which works with women (and men) to empower them to create a plan. The professionals at JCADA work with their clients to insure, above all, that the client is safe. When needed, professionals also assist clients in securing new housing or furniture, blankets, and other basic necessities. Victims of domestic abuse are often lost– they know what they are running from, but they need assistance in clarifying exactly where it is they are going and how they will get there.

I conclude with a story from the Hasidic Master Rabbi Hayim of Zanz about a person who had been wandering in a forest for several days, unable to find his way out. Eventually he saw someone approaching in the distance and the wanderer thought with a joyous heart, “Now I shall surely find my way out of this forest.” When they met, however, the stranger told the wanderer that he too had been wandering for several days and that he also did not know the way out of the forest. But he added this much: “Do not go the way I have gone, for I know that it is not the right way. Now come, let us search for the way out together.”

This is what JCADA does for our community. It makes sure that victims of domestic abuse never feel they have to find their way out alone.

Why Do They Stay?

2009-08-25T11:29:00.002-04:00

by Alessia

One of the things people have difficulty understanding about domestic violence is why the victim of abuse stays with his or her abuser. There are many reasons, but a very common one is dependence.

Not just financial dependence, but utter dependence… Self-esteem is so shattered — especially when compared to the batterer’s physical & emotional power, the latter of which extends to public life past the home.

It’s rather like the domesticity of dogs: your life, no matter how good or bad it is, depends upon that being, so you are ever alert to their whims, wishes and commands. You please them because your life, such that it is, depends upon them.

This is greatly multiplied if you have children or others dependent upon you.
If this seems too simplistic or unflattering for humans; if you can’t see how, in reality, being a human trained for another human’s service is worse… That you are held hostage… That you become grateful for the scraps…. Check out Dr Joseph M Carver’s Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser.