The Impact of Domestic Abuse on Child Witnesses

By Lora Griff, MSW, LCSW-C

In the 2014 released movie and 2012 best-selling book Wild, Cheryl Strayed shares her own story as a young woman bereft from the recent loss of her endearing mother and the demise of her own marriage.  Through a series of flashbacks, she recalls the events that led her to work through her loss by trekking the Pacific Crest Trail from LA to Oregon, over 1000 miles on foot. There are many sources of her personal struggle but one blatant factor is that she was a child witness to spousal abuse. Her father beat her mother and disciplined the children with threats of a knuckle sandwich. In one of the movie’s scenes, there is fear and desperation in the child Cheryl's eyes as she runs into the pharmacy to get medical supplies for her mother who is recovering from a recent beating.  Children who witness violence between their parents are the untold victims of domestic abuse. 

In early writings about women in abusive relationships in the 1970’s, theorists indicated that victims tend to withstand physical abuse until their children also become targets, at which point they are more likely to leave the relationship. What is now known in the domestic abuse field is that any exposure to abuse affects the children. Witnessing domestic abuse includes hearing the arguments and fighting noises from another room, watching the incidents of violence, observing the physical aftermath of abuse, and sensing the resulting fear and tension in the home.  More than 3 million children witness violence in their homes each year[1] and over 75% of children who live in homes with domestic abuse have observed violence at least once[2].

There are short- and long-term impacts on child witnesses of domestic abuse.  Short-term impacts include increased anxiety, depression, fear, anger, physical symptoms such as stomachaches and headaches, and poor school performance due to decreased concentration. Long-term effects include impaired future relationships in which they may identify with and assume the role of either the victimized or abusive partner. Without intervention, the cycle of violence often perpetuates with the next generation.

Over the last two decades, awareness has increased about the effects witnessing abuse has on children.  We now know that the severity of the impact depends on a variety of factors, including chronicity and severity of abuse, and the presence of other risk factors, including substance abuse, poverty and mental illness. Children who are best able to survive these situations demonstrate high self-esteem, have parents who are tuned into the impact of witnessing abuse, and have other protective adult family or community members in their lives. JCADA works with clients to empower them to create a safe home for their families and become role models for being survivors rather than victims of abuse. 

Lora Griff is a licensed clinical social worker in Maryland and Virginia. She was a clinical consultant and community presenter for JCADA and now serves on JCADA’s Clinical Committee. Griff is also a Board Certified Diplomate in Clinical Social Work and a member of the National Association of Social Workers and the Greater Washington Society for Clinical Social Work.

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[1] “Domestic Violence: Statistics and Facts.” Safe Horizon. http://www.safehorizon.org/page/domestic-violence-statistics--facts-52.html

[2] “For Caregivers: Understanding the Problem.” Child Witness to Violence Project. http://www.childwitnesstoviolence.org/facts--myths.html

Sukkot 5775 - Building a Sukkat Shlomecha

By Rabbi Greg Harris, Congregation Beth El of Montgomery County

There are many beautiful explanations and metaphors for the Sukkah.  From the understanding of the sukkah as a simple shelter that was built as farmers were in the fields for the Fall harvest to many spiritual and mystical images, the Sukkah is part of an amazing tradition.

I love the metaphor of the sukkah as a shelter of Divine peace – a Sukkat Shlomecha.   Through that image, we realize that a shelter of peace is a fragile undertaking.  A Sukkat Shlomecha is something which can easily fall apart.  It requires constant attention and effort to maintain.  Sukkat Shlomecha, a state of Shalom – peace, wholeness, completeness, requires our effort and attention.

We have heard that sermon many times… yet when I read the newspapers today, I know we are far from universally fulfilling this vision.

I do not need to list all the examples of abuse, disrespect, and bullying in the headlines that shout out to me that we do not yet have a Sukkat Shlomecha.  Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens beating up his fiancée in the elevator.  Another NFL player, Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings, being arrested for whipping his 4 year old child with a branch from a tree until the child was bleeding and covered with welts.

It is not only athletes.  In schools, rates of bullying – verbal and physical bullying is shocking.  From the most tragic circumstances of suicide to the paralyzing experience of being in fear from bullying in school and on-line, our collective Sukkat Shlomecha is fragile.

From incidents at our middle and high schools to things happening behind the manicured lawns of Bethesda, we must always remind ourselves that sometimes things are not as perfect as they appear.

From teenagers to adults around us, we need to be aware of others – or even ourselves, who need support.

I want to share two texts with you that helped me think about this more fully.  We are familiar with both text but may not have connected them in this way.  The first is from Genesis and second is from Deuteronomy.  It feels right to bookend the Torah as we are about to finish the reading cycle and begin again.  These texts will help us strengthen our fragile Sukkah.  In the end, I will highlight one particular organization which deserves our attention for their important work.

You probably do not know Pastor John Gills.  Gills was an English Baptist minister who died in 1771.  I am told he had a strict Calvanist approach and was a significant teacher in his day.  His biblical commentary is still widely used.

I want to teach you something that Pastor Gills taught about 250 years ago.  It is his take on Adam and Eve.

We know these p’sukeem from Genesis chapter 2:

²¹ So the Lord God cast a deep sleep upon the man; and, while he slept, God took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that spot. ²² And the Lord God fashioned the rib that He had taken from the man into a woman; and He brought her to the man. ²³ Then the man said,

“This one at last
Is bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh. This one shall be called Woman, For from man was she taken.”

This is the story of how Eve was created – from one of Adam’s ribs.  People have derived many different lessons from thesep’sukeem.

Some have looked at this story and derived that men are superior to women since the rib came from the man.  Eve was a secondary creation and therefore a lesser being.

It is not just because I do not want to sleep outside in the Sukkah for the rest of 5775 that I find that lesson totally wrong – but I know fundamentalist Christians, and I am sure there are others, who truly believe that this is the proper relationship between men and women.

Pastor Gills’ understanding of those verses is wildly different, especially considering the time he lived.  John Gills, this 18^th century Baptist minister, has taught me something new from these old verses.

Gills wrote:

It is commonly observed, and pertinently enough, that the woman was not made from the superior part of man, that she might not be thought to be above him, and have power over him; nor from any inferior part, as being below him, and to be trampled on by him; but out of his side, and from one of his ribs, that she might appear to be equal to him; and from a part near his heart, and under his arms, to show that she should be affectionately loved by him, and be always under his care and protection. [1]

Eve is made from Adam’s rib because it is near his heart.  Gills teaches this is to make a man and women always affectionate for one another.  She is made from a part under his arm because he should protect her.  It is from his side because she is equal to him.

What a wonderful read of the text.

Gills teaches us about being in a relationship of equals and of caring.  It is a beautiful lesson for all relationships but the teaching can also act as a mirror for the control, abuse, belittling, or violence taking place in too many relationships.

We know that Gills image of relationships is not universal.  Let’s look right here in our community.  Montgomery County courts release monthly statistics on domestic violence cases.  This is not the number of police calls where charges were not filed and it certainly does not include the violence which has never been reported.  This is only what is in the courts so these numbers are far lower than the total estimated rates of abuse in the county.

Last month, the courts adjudicated 325 Protective and Peace Orders in Montgomery County. [2]  That excludes emergency orders.

325 people in our neighborhoods – in just September.

Beth El member, Debbie Feinstein, Chief of the Family Violence Division of the States Attorney’s Office told me that in 2013, the Montgomery County police made 6,755 calls for domestic violence.

Even though that is right here in our county, let’s drill down more.  Let’s look at the Jewish community in Montgomery County.

The Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, JCADA, says:

Domestic abuse occurs in Jewish families at about the same rate as in the general community – about 15-25% and the abuse takes place among all branches of Judaism and at all socio-economic levels.

Studies show that abuse occurs in every denomination of Judaism in equal percentages, and we see abuse in all communities including the unaffiliated.  Abuse takes place at all socioeconomic levels. [3]

The myth that abuse does not take place in Jewish homes is just that – a myth.  We believe in shalom bayit, peace in the home, but it is the perpetrator of violence that breaks that value, not the victim.  There is a shanda factor which still exists but too often it is the victim who is worried about the shame and not the abuser who is doing such shameful acts.

And we are too secretive.  Our silence only makes it harder for people to seek help and support from friends and professionals.

We need to talk about this because people must know that they are not alone within our community – within Beth El.  Let others know what I am sharing today because the person you tell may be searching for just the right moment or person to reach out to for help.

So the first text was from Pastor Gills as he taught us that relationships should be protective, caring and equal.  When relationships come closer to that, we will be closer to our Sukkat Shlomecha.

The second text is from Deuteronomy but it is probably more well-known from the Sh’ma.  It is the command to speak of the mitzvot at home and away, night and day because this is how we will teach our children. [4]

Deuteronomy was right.  The greatest teacher of our children is us.  Children see what is happening at home and around them.  Children absorb the priorities, values and social cues from their family, friends and community.

So the prevalence of bullying – physical, emotional and cyber-bullying concerns me.

What signals are we sending to our teens that this is acceptable?  Where are they absorbing that perverse idea that bullying is OK?

As a community, we need to send a clear signal that 1) verbal and physical abuse and bullying is unacceptable, 2) abusers and bullies must stop their actions now and 3) victims are not alone.

The message must be clear and as a synagogue, we are making sure our policies and practices are in line with those values.

None of us are alone – adults, children, teenagers and even institutions.

I want to raise up the important work of JCADA, which I already mentioned once.  The Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse deserves our attention and support.  Those at JCADA are advocates and offer tremendous support for victims.  They address adults and teens and have innovative programs to make sure victims of bullying and violence can get help.

JCADA has a vital role in the community and I want to make sure we are aware of it – www.JCADA.org.

You might be saying, Rabbi, Sukkot is z’man simchataynu – the time of our joy.  Why are you talking about this now?  It is because the Sukkah reminds me how fragile things are.  If we want to build a Sukkat Shlomecha, we must be reminded that not everyone has the wholeness of spirit – shlamut, that our community wants for them.  The shlamut that I believe God wants for them.

As we dwell in our Sukkah, think about how we can be a support for each other.  Think about how we can strengthen each other, adults and teens, during fragile times in life.  And always know that none of us are alone.

Adonai li v’lo ira – God is with me so I will not fear.

That is how we will build our Sukkat Shlomecha.  It is a fragile structure so we can not take it for granted.

Like the Sukkah though, we cannot take each other for granted.  We must offer our support and safety to those adults and teens who may be especially fragile at this time.

Amen and Chag Semeach

Reprinted with permission from Rabbi Greg Harris.  Original posting found here. 

References

1. http://biblehub.com/genesis/2-22.htm

2.  http://jportal.mdcourts.gov/dv/DVCR_Montgomery_2014_9.pdf

3.  http://jcada.org/www/docs/114

4.  Deut 6:4-9

Rosh Hashanah 5775 - Creating Hope

By Rabbi Uri Topolosky

Our rabbinic tradition explores a variety of questions we may ultimately face in front of a Heavenly Tribunal. It is worth prepping answers to all of them, but let us consider just one of these inquiries for the moment. The Talmud in Shabbat 31a lists six questions, including, ״צפּית לישׁועה?״ - "[In your lifetime,] did you hope for salvation?"

At first blush, the question seems to be of a religious nature, but perhaps it can also be read as a measuring stick for optimism. Are you the type of person who generally hopes? Or laments? Are you forward thinking, or focused on the past? Do you envision a better future, or can you only see over your shoulder? The implication of the Talmud is that an optimistic spirit is central to one's spiritual fulfillment, and even the key, quite literally, to our future.

Optimism is a value that resonates not only in our holy texts, but also in our holy melodies, including the resonant sounds of the shofar on Rosh Hashanah. The first note of a traditional shofar blast is the Tekiah - a single, strong tone that projects our hopes and dreams. The second note is the Shevarim/Teruah, a broken burst of notes that seem to mimic a whimpering cry. Coupled together, as they always are, the first two notes acknowledge that there is no such thing as "only simchas," and that the normal rhythm of life includes both ups and downs. However, even as we listen to both of these notes together, the shofar offers one final blast for the High Holiday season - the Tekiah Gedolah. This "Great Tekiah" is our optimistic answer to the Talmud's inquiry. Each New Year, we reaffirm our hope for salvation and our belief in an even better tomorrow.

For many, the High Holidays help to restore the optimistic human spirit and energize us to renew our dreams. But every year, I ask my community to pause before that final Tekia Gedolah and consider those that might not be able to hear its hopeful cry. One year, we paused for Gilad Shalit. Another year, we called out the names of loved ones struggling with illness. A third year, we stood up for our easily distracted selves, to internalize just one promise we had made in our holiday prayers. Perhaps this year we should invite a meditative moment for victims of abuse and violence.

When the Heavenly Tribunal asks, "Do you hope for salvation?", we would like to think that anyone could cry out in the affirmative; that our capacity for optimism can be recharged year-to-year. However, we know that some have been mired for so long in the brokenness of the Shevarim/Teruah, that they no longer bear the belief or strength for a final Tekiah. Therefore, it is incumbent upon all of us, before we sound our own Tekiah Gedolah, to look around the room and take stock of our community. Let us consider who could use our prayers, and our helping hands, to better hear their own hope for salvation.

Rabbi Uri Topolosky is the spiritual leader of Congregation Beth Joshua of Aspen Hill and the Rav HaKehillah of the MJB Hebrew Academy.

Healing through Creative Writing

By Jessica Gada, MA, LGPC, JCADA's Teen and Young Adult Clinician

Local poet and educator, Sarah Antine, returns to JCADA this summer to share her talent and passion through poetry workshops for JCADA clients and staff. The workshops —which provide a safe space for introspection, personal expression, and community connection— were very popular in the past and we are happy to have her back. She utilizes a variety of exercises designed for individuals of all abilities and experience levels in order to provide a healing outlet for attendees.

Why Poetry…

Sarah initially became interested in bringing her poetry workshop to JCADA years ago because she had firsthand experience with the healing powers of writing and the emotional release it provides. When I recently spoke with her about poetry and the act of writing, she explained,

“Writing is cathartic because it gives me a voice that enables me to define myself rather than following another’s definition of me. Writing poetry is satisfying because it can release emotions by using metaphor and symbolism to make communication visceral. It is a joy to create, so it helps dispel negative emotions.”

In the workshops, participants explore a selection of works, engage in group discussion, practice the art of crafting metaphors and writing poems, and try out creative revision techniques to enhance their personal styles of expression.

Further Reading…

If this has piqued your interest, and you’d like to delve into some poetry or do some writing of your own, Sarah recommends the following inspired works that focus on topics of catharsis and healing: 

“Louise Gluck's book, Wild Iris, uses the persona poem. In it, she speaks in the voices of garden plants and flowers to describe human feelings metaphorically. She suffered from anorexia, and poems helped her in her recovery. She was the Poet Laureate of the United States in 2003.”  

“Autobiography of Red by Anne Carson is about a teenaged boy who is really a mythological monster from Greek tradition, Geryon. In the narrative of the story, Geryon is sexually abused by his brother and falls in love with Herakles, a lover who mistreats him. By giving Geryon a voice, Anne Carson's verse novel provides a kind of reflective healing.“

“‘The Lake Isle of Innisfree,’ by William Butler Yeats creates an internal landscape that describes a way to be free by imagining it even while ‘I stand on the roadways/ or on the pavements grey.’”

Sarah is the poet-in-residence at the Melvin J. Berman Hebrew Academy of Greater Washington, where she integrates poetry in to the English and Judaic Studies curricula.

Talking to Your Kids About Healthy Relationships

By Jessica Gada, MA, LGPC, JCADA's Teen and Young Adult Clinician

A recent article in the Washington Post offered practical advice for parents on talking to children about healthy relationships. The article featured local therapist, Robyn Brickel, who owns a private practice in Alexandria, VA, and works with the DV prevention program, Saving Promise. Brickel reminds us that, "repetition is the best way to learn," so starting conversations early on —and having them frequently—is essential. 

Here are a few of her tips for talking about relationships:

• Make your home one where kids can have dinner and hang out. That way, you're going to have the option of seeing relationships. And if all of a sudden your child doesn't want to bring someone over, that may be a not-great sign.
• If friends of your child don't like their boyfriend/girlfriend, that's a big tell.
• If your child suddenly starts thinking differently, or doing things differently, you need to pay attention.
• Be curious. Ask questions as straightforward as, "How are things going with Johnny?" It can start a conversation, or show you where there may be issues to deal with.
• Make sure kids know — and this is one of those things that you can develop over time— that healthy relationships are about respect. No pressure, no control.
• Let them know that it is supposed to be fun! The hard stuff shouldn't come until later.

JCADA strives to promote healthy communication between children and their parents by offering a range of programming that includes:  It’s Not Love, #healthyfriendships,  prevention workshops focused on healthy teen dating and friendships, respectively; individual and group therapy for teens and young adults (14+); and outreach through various social media platforms that promote and provide access to helpful resources for families of all backgrounds.

Remember, encouraging an open relationship between you and your children begins with taking them seriously and validating what they say.  Follow Robyn Brickel on Facebook by clicking here, or read the full article in which she was featured here.

Joyce, Amy (2014, March 14). How to ensure your child will have healthy relationships. The Washington Post. Retrieved from http://www.washingtonpost.com/regional/

This month is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (#TDVAM). One of our guest bloggers this month is Sarah Ibarra-Pratt. She is a high school senior at Walter Johnson High school and began interning with JCADA just a few weeks ago! This was originally posted on our teen dating violence prevention initiative, AWARE's blog on February 20, 2014. 

This Valentine’s Day, my high school’s feminism club marched from the steps of the Supreme Court, down Independence Avenue to the bottom of the Capitol as part of the second annual One Billion Rising campaign. This campaign, begun last year by playwright and activist, Eve Ensler, was her reaction to witnessing the “single nightmare” of violence against women in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.¹ What she saw shattered and changed her forever. One Billion Rising is meant to encourage women and girls to speak out “at the places where they need justice, where they need an end to violence.” The name “One Billion Rising” is taken from the statistic that approximately 1 in 3 women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime. That is one billion women. On February 14, people around the world gathered to rise against this injustice. We rise not only against the atrocities taking place in the DRC, but also the everyday acts of violence against women that are pervasive throughout our culture.

One Billion Rising allows for region specific issues with violence, both partner and non-partner violence, to be addressed at a grassroots level by organizing many different events throughout the world. For the rally in front of the Supreme Court, a few of the goals and issues specifically addressed were justice in the courts for military sexual assault, ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment, passage of the International Violence Against Women Act; sexual assault and violence on campus; internet bullying; sexual shaming; street harassment; as well as the judicial blind-eye given to cases of rape, incest, domestic violence and stalking. According to the event page, “Whatever you rise for or against, let’s band together to make the movement strong!”

I rise for an end to domestic abuse of any kind. In understanding how this campaign ties into domestic abuse and JCADA’s mission specifically, only a quick glance at a few statistics reveals the grave situation of partner violence in the US and around the world. In a recent analysis, “35% of women have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence.” The study emphasizes that most of this violence is comprised of intimate partner violence.² Almost one third of all women around the world, who have been in a relationship, have experienced physical and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner.³ In Australia, Canada, Israel, South Africa and the United States, intimate partner violence accounts for between 40 and 70 percent of female murder victims.

These figures are a wakeup call and while Valentine’s Day has passed, I challenge you to find an opportunity to rise. Rising does not necessarily mean going to a protest or marching in the cold for justice. Rising can be showing your support for a friend or listening to someone who has been silenced.

^1. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eve-ensler/war-on-women-in-congo_b_204949.html

^2. http://www.unwomen.org/en/what-we-do/ending-violence-against-women/facts-and

   figures#sthash.oxtXIUgE.dpuf

^3. http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/

 Learning that “It’s Not Love”

This month's post is a guest blog and was written by Emily Schreck, an intern at Tikkun Olam Women's Foundation. Emily is a sophomore at the University of Maryland and is studying Family Sciences and Women’s Studies. This post originally appeared online at http://towf.org/blog. The Tikkun Olam Women's Foundation provides a generous grant to support the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse's teen dating abuse prevention initiative, AWARE. "It's Not Love" is the cornerstone workshop of AWARE.

Emily and her chapter in their chapter spirit wear.

It was a typical Saturday night and I was headed to my BBYO program. I pulled up in my car and quickly made my way inside. I had entered our chapter’s annual Kallah, a weekend full of Jewish programming to strengthen my chapter’s sisterhood and leadership skills. As a past president of my chapter, I had read the outline of the programs, but did not really know what to expect until I was immersed in the programming.

When I walked in, just a bit late, my friends were already intently listening to a representative from the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (JCADA). The woman introduced herself and the program that we were participating in called “It’s Not Love,” developed by JCADA.  I knew the woman had caught their attention because it was rare that the room would be that quiet. She explained that “It’s Not Love” is based on the concept that if you educate teenage girls about healthy relationships, then abusive relationships in the future can be avoided. Through “It’s Not Love,” JCADA is working to “raise a generation of strong, confident women who will not accept violence in their lives nor in the Jewish community.” This generation will also be able to recognize the warning signs with friends or family and be able to share the resources they were introduced to during the program. The specific program is geared towards the age group and “is a choose-your-own-path workshop” in which participants assume the role of a character who is either in an abusive relationship or a witness to one.

I am grateful that I have not personally, nor have any of my close friends, faced dating violence. Although I have been this lucky, many have not. Recently I read the story of 18-year-old Lauren Dunne Astley, whose life was taken abruptly by her abusive ex-boyfriend. The story was hard for me to read. Among indecisive teenagers, break-ups are relativity common. But, they should end with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and a dramatic reality TV show, not the death of one of the parties involved. In her honor, Lauren’s parents recently pleaded to the Massachusetts state legislators that education is the key to the prevention of teen dating violence.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 10% of teenagers experience some form of violence their in dating relationships. That means in a high school classroom of about thirty students, more than three of them have been abused by a partner. As the CDC reports, dating violence can been seen in many different forms including, but not limited to emotional, physical and sexual abuse. This violence can lead to depression, drug and alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts, poor performance in school, eating disorders, future abuse and even death in extreme cases such as Lauren Dunne Astley’s. It has been argued that solutions to this issue can be found in educational programs such as “It’s Not Love.”

With grants from Tikkun Olam Women’s Foundation, “It’s Not Love” has reached more than 2,100 different students in the D.C. Metro Area. Tikkun Olam Women’s Foundation’s mission is to fund organizations who “create social change for women and girls,” through grant-making. With the generous grants awarded to JCADA from TOWF, they have been able to develop “It’s Not Love,” in order to education young women about dating violence. Young women and girls, like myself and my friends at BBYO, will learn what is acceptable and what is not in a dating relationship. Women and girls will learn that teddy bears should be given as happy day gifts and break-ups should include Ice Cream induced tummy aches.

    

Sources:

Allen, Evan. “For Grieving Parents, Education the Key.” BostonGlobe.com. N.p., 15 May 2013. Web. 13 June 2013.

“Aware: It’s Not Love.” Aware. Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, n.d. Web. 13 June 2013.

“When Teen Dating Turns Abusive and Violent.” US News. U.S.News & World Report, 10 May 2013. Web. 13 June 2013.