Getting It All Out in the Open

By Kelley Kidd, JCADA intern and Moment Magazine Blogger 

Jewish husbands, we think, are educated and upstanding, family men who treat their wives with warmth, kindness and respect. Domestic abuse? Not in our backyard.

We need only look to recent news coverage to see that it is in our backyard: For approximately four years, Aharon Friedman, a Congressional staffer living in the Washington, DC area, has been refusing to grant his wife Tamar Epstein a get, or a Jewish decree of divorce. According to Jewish law, the husband must initiate divorce proceedings, a generally unproblematic technicality. Sometimes, though, a husband may refuse, as Friedman has. As a result, Epstein is an agunah, or a “chained woman” under Jewish law, unable to remarry or move forward in her emotional or romantic life. Despite the completion of their civil divorce, as well as widespread condemnation of his behavior, Friedman refuses to relinquish control over her life by consenting to a religiously valid divorce. Prominent Washington-area Rabbi Shmuel Herzfeld describes this behavior as emotional abuse that is “no less a form of spousal abuse than striking one’s wife.”

Unfortunately, Friedman’s abusive behavior is not the only issue at hand. We are also faced with the fact that in Judaism, there exists a mindset that preserving tradition in the form of “a nearly thousand-year-old ruling is more important than offering women equality within the religion.” As Dvora Meyerswrites in The Forward, we see a husband “brandishing a psychological weapon and threatening his wife with it” because current Jewish law allows for it, and rabbis lack the “judicial courage” to implement “halachic proposals that would enable a rabbinic court to dissolve marriage contract even without the husband’s consent.” The law actually facilitates the continuation of abuse, in the form of emotional control.

This story sheds light on what has always been a fairly unspoken issue—as I mentioned, no one really considers abuse to be a Jewish problem. In fact, though, Jewish homes face the same rate of abuse as the rest of the community—it occurs in 15% of Jewish families, across the religious and socio-economic spectrum. Abuse includes a wide range of action, all of which tend to center on control of the other partner. This may mean physical abuse, such as any kind of attack or beating, or sexual, which entails forcing oneself sexually on the other partner and demanding sexual acts that violate the partner’s wants. But, as we see in the case of Aharon Friedman, it also crosses into the realm of the less tangible, the use of intimidation, manipulation, criticism and humiliation that characterize emotional forms of abuse. Economic abuse entails keeping tight control of someone by monitoring their finances and withholding their money and choice in order to determine what they can and cannot do. These types of abuse may exist independently or in conjunction with one another.

So, if abuse is just as widespread as issue within the Jewish community as in the general population, and perhaps even justified by certain Jewish laws, we must consider why most people are so oblivious to it. Though our rate stands no higher than that in the rest of the population, Jewish women tend to stay in abusive relationships for two to three times longer than women in the general population. It seems likely, then, that there are cultural factors in Judaism that contribute to the fatal silence that surrounds abuse in Jewish homes. On the most basic level, observant women may hesitate to leave their home for logistical or financial reasons—many observant women depend on their husband for an income. And in pursuing a divorce, what if she finds herself “chained,” anagunah like Tamar Epstein?

Beyond that, however, it seems that there is a stigma surrounding abuse of Jewish women, creating shanda, or shame, regarding being the victim of abuse. Women may be hesitant to come forward because they believe “Jews are not supposed to be victims of abuse” and fear being ostracized in the community, or simply not believed. Abuse has hardly come up in Jewish forums, so our culture has failed to send the message that women should feel comfortable coming forward and being honest. In fact, Shalom Bayit, one of the few mitzvot dedicated to women, sends quite the opposite message. Shalon Bayit refers to Peace in the Home, the Jewish woman’s “pride and joy” according to tradition. This expectation that a woman create the ideal home to family, education, and love may prevent a woman from seeing it as socially acceptable to “shatter” that image by being honest about an abusive situation.

Some in the Jewish community are fighting domestic abuse. The public outcry over Friedman’s treatment of his wife—including efforts to pressure his boss, Congressman Dave Camp of Michigan, to intervene—proves that the issue is coming to the fore. And the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, based outside of Washington, DC, works to eliminate the issue’s shroud of secrecy. It is our duty to look beyond what is easiest to believe and find the truth. Friedman and Epstein’s case demonstrates the absolute necessity of this kind of critical thinking. And once we see that the tragic truth stems in part from our own cultural creation, we can move towards bringing about a norm of justice, and true Shalom Bayit that is far more worthwhile than the illusion currently masking the need for meaningful cultural change.

Originally featured on Moment Magazine's Blog, InTheMoment March 15th, 2012

Rethinking Purim

By Rabbi Donna Kirshbaum from Jewish Women International’s Rethinking Purim, Women,Relationships and Jewish Texts

Waking up in the middle of the night with a splitting headache, how do we find our way to the medicine cabinet? Probably with a sense other than seeing: our bare feet, perhaps, can feel carpet, then wood, then finally, tile. Our hands know when to protect the rest of us – just in case our partner has left that closet door ajar, again. Our ears listen for the special creak in the floorboards near the raised threshold to the bathroom. On the way back, our noses might catch the scent of the dog sleeping by the side of the bed and tell us we're almost there. But when staying in others' homes or hotels, we don't have the luxury of such non‐visual knowing. So we carry a flashlight or leave a nightlight on – and still feel disoriented.

And so it may happen when we have pain that can't be relieved by a pill. If we don't have familiarity with the inner‐most 'rooms' in ourselves and, at the same time a sense of our whole house and where our house is located in the larger world, we may feel disoriented and confused when emotional pain strikes or worsens. It is good to get to know ourselves, deeply, before such a time – through prayer, through regular walks, through keeping a journal or engaging in some other contemplative, spirit building exercise. Such familiarity may prove to be life‐sustaining, even life‐saving.

The story of Purim, as told in Megillat Esther, makes no mention of the Divine. Not one word. Thus the Divine Presence, the Anochi ["I"] is like the "I" of Deuteronomy 31:18, says Rabbi Yitzhak Huttner (1906‐1980) in Pahad Yitzhak: "I – the One Who is surely concealed." The text of Purim asks us to "see" the Divine with our other senses, since the Divine cannot be seen in the text. We might even say that Purim demands an inner knowledge akin to what we know about our homes and the habits of those who inhabit them with us as we go for aspirin in the middle of the night.

Rabbi Huttner concludes that "the redemption of Purim [i.e., the sense of rescue, safety, and connection that is offered by Purim], [the one holiday] which taught Israel to discover the Anochi [the "I"] in darkness and concealment, will surely remain as an enduring achievement in the soul of Israel... All the other holidays will [eventually] be annulled – except for Purim." What, no more Passover? Yom Kippur? Sukkot or Hanukkah or Shavuot? No, says Rabbi Huttner, implying that the original Pesach (at the beginning of the Jewish year according to one way of counting, in the springtime month of Nissan) required much in the way of Divine intervention, especially in the form of miracles. Purim (at the end of the year of which Nissan is considered the first month), required no seen miracles, but much in the way of human initiative.

Esther not only has the resources to save her people, she has the courage to take initiative. Will we, like Esther, be ready to take the initiative for redemption – for rescue, safety, connection – especially when we, too, feel like we're beginning in the dark?

1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime. There are too many people in our community suffering in the dark from the effects of abuse. Take the initiative and learn what you can do to help yourself, help a friend and help your community today.

RabbiKirshbaum is a member of JWI's Clergy Task Force on Domestic Abuse in the Jewish Community and serves a Reconstructionist congregation in Princeton, NJ. She is a contributor to JWI's revised Clergy Guide, to the Project S.A.R.A.H. website, and to A Guide to Jewish Practice: Everyday Living, a winner of the 2011 National Jewish Book Awards in the category of Contemporary Jewish Life and Practice.

Yom Kippur Refelction 2011

By Rabbi David Rose, JCADA Advisory Board Member

The most well known piyyut (medieval liturgical poem) of the High Holy Day liturgy is the U-netaneh Tokef. In this moving meditation we read; “Even the angels are dismayed, seized with fear and trembling they cry out: ‘The Day of Judgment has arrived!’” 

Our tradition sees the Day of Judgment as a wonderful gift from God. Judgment seems like an awful, terrible thing, and yet our tradition sees these Days of Judgment as a beautiful blessing. We call these days ‘Yom Tov,’ literally ‘good or festive days’; for they are an opportunity for self-awareness and improvement. We come to the Heavenly Court, so-to-speak, contrite for our failings and proud of our accomplishments. Reviewing our successes and our failures of the past year, we individually take responsibility for our own lives and chart a path for blessings in the coming year.

But what if every day was Yom HaDin, The Day of Judgment? What if every single day brought fear and trembling? What if this constant judgment was never just? What if the judgment was not through self-awareness before the Heavenly Judge but was daily before an earthly, capricious, abusive individual who had set themselves up as your judge, jury and prosecutor? What if the sentences of this malicious judge were a way of exercising control and power over your life and choices?

So it is for millions in our midst who suffer in abusive relationships. Abuse, a pattern of coercive behaviors used to establish power and control over an intimate partner, leaves those victimized by these behaviors in constant fear and trembling. “I constantly felt like I was being judged,” a woman who had left an abusive relationship told me. “What made it so frightening was that the rules by which I was being judged constantly changed. I never knew what would set him off. I walked around on eggshells, paralyzed, in never ending fear, just waiting for the next explosion.”  For many who suffer in abusive relationships there are periods of calm and tenderness but those spells never seem to last. “When after days or even weeks of his behaving like an angel he would again belittle me, make fun of me, embarrass me in front of our children and friends, criticize me for things that he complimented me for just days earlier, there was a strange kind of relief that things were back to ‘normal.’”

“Normal” for too many, mostly women, sitting in our midst in synagogues and temples this Yom Kippur is living with constant fear and trembling. Unfortunately, for these individuals the themes and liturgy of the holy day can add to their suffering and pain. Those who are abusive regularly ask those they have harmed for forgiveness; they vow to change, to make teshuvah (repentance or change). The liturgy encourages us to be forgiving; as God is forgiving and compassionate. The rabbi may ask us during services to turn to our partners and ask for pardon. But what if there is no teshuvah, no real change?

 At Yizkor (Memorial Service) we are called to remember the righteous and good deeds of our departed family members. What if the father we are remembering was abusive of our mother? What if we were relieved to be finally free when our husband who abused us for years died? How are we to recite Yizkor prayers for such individuals?

We must remember that teshuvah is never automatic. Saying you are “sorry” is not the same as being sorry and changing. Yom Kippur does not ask us to just go through the motions, to just mumble the right words; Yom Kippur calls on us to do the hard work of teshuvah.  It is so very important that we recognize that teshuvah is a process that involves multiple steps. In her book, I Thought We’d Never Speak Again: The Road From Estrangement to Reconciliation, Laura Davis makes reference to the five R’s of teshuvah: recognition, remorse, repentance, restitution and reform. On Yom Kippur we make a safe place in our midst for those who have been abused by unequivocally declaring that our tradition never tolerates controlling our intimate partners and that we need not forgive another who has not made real teshuvah. And, we must be clear to those who perpetrate family violence that the Holy One of Blessing calls upon them to acknowledge responsibility, to demonstrate remorse by truly changing behavior and to make restitution for damages caused. For more on teshuvah and domestic violence see Gus Kaufman’s outstanding article, Renewal and Reconciliation after Family Violence, found on the FaithTrust website.

We can also demonstrate our commitment to safety and justice in our communities at the Yizkor service by acknowledging that because of abusive behavior it is not always possible to remember righteous deeds of parents and intimate partners who have passed on. Such an acknowledgment creates greater awareness of the prevalence of family violence in our midst and gives permission to those who have suffered from such violence to express their grief for what could have been and should have been.

This Yom Kippur as we stand before God in judgment, grateful for the gift of life and for the sacred opportunity to improve our lives, let us make a place of safety and peace for those who are painfully and unfairly judged day after day. Let us work together to combat the egregious sin of domestic abuse in our communities and homes by shining light on the problem. And, let us build communities that nourish and support healthy and sacred relationship. Then when the Days of Judgment arrive we will all find favor before God and all humanity.

With blessings for an easy fast, a deeply meaningful Day of Atonement and a joyous 5772!

Rabbi David Rose 

Ordained at The Jewish Theological Seminary, Rabbi Rose is the Founder and Director of JDiscover. In 2009, he was designated 'Clergy Person of the Year' by the Interfaith Community Against Domestic Violence, Maryland.  Rabbi Rose served as Chairman of Jewish Women International Clergy Taskforce on Domestic Abuse from 2007 through 2011.

Since 1993, Rabbi Rose has trained more than 250 members of clergy, of all faiths, in recognizing and responding to the challenge of Domestic Abuse. He has counseled hundreds of women from around the country helping them toward safety and new lives.  His perspectives on this subject are featured in the documentary film "When the Vow Breaks." In 2004, he was awarded a "Certificate of Special Congressional Recognition" and the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse's "Community Service Award" for these efforts.

*Taken from the Faith Trust Institute

At This Year's Passover Sedar

This spring we have an article by JCADA board member Rabbi Michael J. Safra, Rabbi of B’nai Israel Congregation, Rockville, MD. The article highlights the parallels between Passover’s theme of freedom and JCADA’s mission to feel free, especially in our own homes.  Please consider including Rabbi’s Safra’s words in your sedar.  We wish you all a happy, healthy, and safe Passover. 

From the Haggadah:

וַנִּצְעַק אֶל ה' אֳלֹהֵי אֲבֹתֵינוּ, וַיִּשְׁמַע ה' אֶת קֹלֵנוּ, וַיָרְא אֶת עָנְיֵנוּ וְאֶת עֲמָלֵנוּ וְאֶת לַחֲצֵנוּ. 
We cried out to Adonai, the Lord of our fathers, and Adonai heard our plea and saw our plight, our misery, and our oppression (Deuteronomy 26:7).

Commentary from the Haggadah:

וַיַּרְא אֶת עָנְיֵנוּ - זוֹ פְּרִישׁוּת דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ, כְּמָה שֶׁנאמר: וַיַרְא אֱלֹהִים אֶת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיֵדָע אֱלֹהִים.

And saw our plight, This is the cessation of family life, as it is said: “the Lord looked upon the Israelites, and the Lord took notice of (lit. knew) them” (Exodus 2:24).

According to Rabbinic Midrash, the Egyptians attempted to demoralize the Israelites by disrupting family life. One legend posits that Amram, Moses’s father, became so overburdened by the work as a slave and the decrees of the Egyptian Pharaoh that he divorced his wife, Yocheved. Miriam ultimately convinced her father to reconcile with Yocheved. Their renewed relationship brought about the birth of Moses and ultimately saved the Jewish people (Talmud Sotah 12a). Another legend suggests that the Israelite women helped to overcome Pharaoh’s evil decree by finding their husbands at the end of each long day of work, preparing romantic meals, and creating an intimate environment (Talmud Sotah 11a).

These legends are the product of a different era, incorporating gender norms far different from our own. But they speak to the power of shalom bayit, peace in the home. The disruption of family life by the Egyptians threatened to destroy our people. The determination to build peaceful homes and to nurture the family “against all odds” ultimately enabled this small band of slaves to topple the brutal, powerful Egyptian regime.

Tragically, today there are families for whom the idea of shalom bayit has been compromised by domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is a pattern of physically, sexually, verbally, financially and/or emotionally abusive or controlling behavior in a relationship. Abusers threaten their victims and disrupt the tranquility, predictability, and safety that are supposed to be the hallmark of family life.

Passover is an opportunity to renew our commitment to help individuals who are enslaved by the horrors of abuse. We, as a Jewish community, have a responsibility to show victims that they are not alone. JCADA provides counseling and resources to empower victims of abuse, to help them respond to their situations, and most importantly, help ensure their safety. We have an added obligation to educate our children and community about the characteristics of healthy relationships. We cannot ignore the reality of this enslavement; there are things we can do and must do, for the survival of the physical and spiritual well-being of the victims in our community.

May the haggadah’s words of hope be heard by all victims of abuse:

הָשַׁתָּא עַבְדֵי, לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בְּנֵי חוֹרִין

This year you are slaves; next year may you be free.”

Purim –A Social Justice Perspective

Purim –A Social Justice Perspective
by Deborah Swerdlow

As a little girl, I always wanted to dress up as Queen Esther for Purim. She seemed so glamorous, the heroine of the story—and playing Esther meant I got to wear a pretty dress and a crown. I don’t recall wanting to dress up as Queen Vashti, who seemed the minor character with a few lines at the beginning and a sudden disappearance.

Queen Esther risked her life to beg King Ahasuerus to stop Haman’s plan to kill the Persian Jews. But the fact is that Esther needed some encouragement from her uncle Mordechai to stand up for herself and her people.  She hemmed and hawed, worried that she was risking her life by approaching the king without an invitation. It is only after Mordechai tells her to consider the needs of her community that she does what is right.

The wonderful thing about the Jewish calendar is that each year, we have another chance to read the same text and find new meaning in it. Through the lens of my position as the RAC’s Eisendrath Legislative Assistant for women’s issues, Vashti now looks like the more admirable female in the Purim story – and her quick disappearance disturbs me.

King Ahasuerus ordered Vashti to appear before his drunken princes and leaders in her royal crown so that she may show off her beauty.  Why is this remarkable?  Isn’t it likely that the King would summon the Queen to appear on a moment’s notice?  But the rabbis add that in this case, she was summoned to appear wearing only her crown – and so Vashti flatly refused. She would not allow herself to be debased or used for the sake of another man’s entertainment. She asserted herself.  Isn’t Vashti someone we should want our children to emulate and imitate?

But what became of Vashti after her moment of valor?

The text says the princes from Persia and Media suggested that King Ahasuerus banish her so that she “may never again appear before [the] King” and start looking for her replacement—the point, they said, was to make an example out of her, lest all the women in the country and princesses in these two provinces think it is acceptable to disobey their husbands. This suggested punishment implies that whatever befell Vashti after she left the castle was…not good.

We can assume that Vashti, now homeless, had no assets, no employable skills, and few, if any, people to turn to for help (after all, the “common folk” were not known to be accepting of banished queens). And that’s assuming she wasn’t immediately put to death in order to guarantee that she never come before the King again.

Unfortunately, we know what life can be like for the thousands of victims of domestic violence who stand up for themselves and walk away from their abusers, only to find that they have few resources and barely any safety net.

About one in four women will experience domestic violence at some point in her life, but not all of them find the strength and the resources to leave their abusers. Those who do may find themselves with no place to call home—the mere 2,000 emergency shelters in the United States are drastically fewer than what is required to meet the need.

Even if a woman is able to find a place to live after leaving an abusive home, she is at a greater risk for depression at a time when our mental health care system often fails to adequately address people’s needs. She may also have lingering physical injuries that impair her ability to work. A 2003 study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that victims of domestic violence lost almost 8 million days of paid work because of the violence perpetrated against them.

And then there’s the social stigma associated with domestic violence: the erroneous assumption that victims are weak and helpless, that somehow they asked for this horrible treatment, that somehow they’re toxic to everyone else.

We may not definitively know what happened to Queen Vashti, but we do know what it is like for victims of domestic violence today—and what we can do to help. (please see  box below for some suggestions.)

I probably won’t dress up as Queen Esther, or Queen Vashti, for Purim this year, but I will see the story of these two women through a different lens.

Kein Ye-hi Ratzon. May it be God’s will.

Deborah Swerdlow is an Eisendrath Legislative Assistant at the Religious Action Center in Washington, D.C.

You can donate gift certificates to food stores, gas stations, and drugstores so victims can support themselves. You can donate your old cell phones to JCADA, so they can be recycled and the proceeds used to fund client services. You can also host a workshop about domestic violence at your synagogue or bring our prevention initiative AWARE’s teen program, ‘It’s Not Love,’ to a youth group or religious school in your community.

*Edited for size and to include local resources

DV in the Jewish Community: How you can help a friend

Yes, domestic abuse is a Jewish issue
Washington Jewish Week - Wednesday, October 20, 2010
by Elissa Malter Schwartz and Lora Griff,

October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. As executive director and clinical supervisor respectively of the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, we frequently hear: Is it really an issue in the Jewish community? It's mainly an issue for the Orthodox community/Reform community/stay-at-home moms/families in economic crisis (fill in your choice of group), right?

In other words, it affects them, not people like me.

Here is what we know. Since its founding in 2000 JCADA, has received more than 1,300 calls from individuals seeking assistance. They come to confront their reality, seek help and learn how to live safely. We can learn about abuse in the local Jewish community through their stories.

Domestic abuse occurs in the Jewish community at the same rate as in the general population. Abuse cuts across socioeconomic and religious divisions. Victims can be secular, Orthodox or anywhere in between. Some live in multimillion dollar homes, but do not have access to family finances. Others do not have money for rent. Some are immigrants; others are third-generation Americans.

Victims are teachers, attorneys, doctors, executives, stay-at-home parents -- people we interact with every day. While victims are predominantly women, men can also be victims of abuse.

Abuse occurs when harmful behaviors are repeated, creating a pattern of violence, power, or control over another person.

Abuse may be overt, such as verbal, physical or sexual abuse marked by repeated insults and criticism, physical danger or bruises.

Abuse may also be subtle, such as enforced isolation, financial abuse, or repeated threats and intimidation. Victims are overwhelmed by worry for their safety and that of their children; they are often scared into complacency.

Friends are often first responders during times of crisis.

Here are some guidelines for assisting your friend who may be in an abusive relationship.

Do:

• Be supportive. Acknowledge that he or she is in a difficult and frightening position.
• Help your friend recognize that he or she deserves a healthy, nonviolent relationship.
• Know that abuse is never warranted.
• Let your friend know that you are concerned for his or her safety.
• Reassure her that she is not alone. 
• Encourage your friend to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family. Support engagement in outside interests to reconnect with sense of self.
• Validate his or her experience. Listen and believe what your friend says.
• Be patient.
• Empower your friend to regain control by making his or her own decisions.
• Respect your friend's decisions.
• Encourage your friend to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends.
• If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go for moral support.

 Do not:

• Blame the victim.
• Lecture.
• Share gossip about your friend.
• Compromise your safety.

Do not tell your friend to leave the abuser. Surprised? The most dangerous time for victims of domestic violence is when they end or threaten to end the relationship.

Often, this is when nonviolent relationships turn violent. It is essential that your friend make her own decision. If she chooses to leave, she needs to do so in her own time frame and with a safety plan developed with a skilled clinician.

Your friend may leave and return to the relationship repeatedly. Verbalize that you are there for her. Your nonjudgmental friendship is crucial during these times. Ultimately, it is more sustaining to empower loved ones than to rescue them.

Ten years ago the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (JCADA) was founded with the mission: to support victims of domestic abuse, to educate the community about what abuse looks like, and to prevent future generations from suffering by teaching awareness. 

JCADA works to empower victims through crisis counseling and safety planning. In partnership with the Jewish Federation of Greater Washington and in collaboration with JSSA and county domestic abuse programs, all services are free.

Jewish victims of abuse in the Greater Washington area have a place to get help. If you or someone you know needs JCADA’s confidential services please call 301-315-8041, or visit www.JCADA.org

Elissa Malter Schwartz is the executive director of JCADA (www.JCADA.org).
Lora Griff is JCADA's clinical supervisor and has a child and family private practice in Rockville, www.loragriff.com