Talking to Your Kids About Healthy Relationships

By Jessica Gada, MA, LGPC, JCADA's Teen and Young Adult Clinician

A recent article in the Washington Post offered practical advice for parents on talking to children about healthy relationships. The article featured local therapist, Robyn Brickel, who owns a private practice in Alexandria, VA, and works with the DV prevention program, Saving Promise. Brickel reminds us that, "repetition is the best way to learn," so starting conversations early on —and having them frequently—is essential. 

Here are a few of her tips for talking about relationships:

• Make your home one where kids can have dinner and hang out. That way, you're going to have the option of seeing relationships. And if all of a sudden your child doesn't want to bring someone over, that may be a not-great sign.
• If friends of your child don't like their boyfriend/girlfriend, that's a big tell.
• If your child suddenly starts thinking differently, or doing things differently, you need to pay attention.
• Be curious. Ask questions as straightforward as, "How are things going with Johnny?" It can start a conversation, or show you where there may be issues to deal with.
• Make sure kids know — and this is one of those things that you can develop over time— that healthy relationships are about respect. No pressure, no control.
• Let them know that it is supposed to be fun! The hard stuff shouldn't come until later.

JCADA strives to promote healthy communication between children and their parents by offering a range of programming that includes:  It’s Not Love, #healthyfriendships,  prevention workshops focused on healthy teen dating and friendships, respectively; individual and group therapy for teens and young adults (14+); and outreach through various social media platforms that promote and provide access to helpful resources for families of all backgrounds.

Remember, encouraging an open relationship between you and your children begins with taking them seriously and validating what they say.  Follow Robyn Brickel on Facebook by clicking here, or read the full article in which she was featured here.

Joyce, Amy (2014, March 14). How to ensure your child will have healthy relationships. The Washington Post. Retrieved from http://www.washingtonpost.com/regional/

This month is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (#TDVAM). One of our guest bloggers this month is Sarah Ibarra-Pratt. She is a high school senior at Walter Johnson High school and began interning with JCADA just a few weeks ago! This was originally posted on our teen dating violence prevention initiative, AWARE's blog on February 20, 2014. 

This Valentine’s Day, my high school’s feminism club marched from the steps of the Supreme Court, down Independence Avenue to the bottom of the Capitol as part of the second annual One Billion Rising campaign. This campaign, begun last year by playwright and activist, Eve Ensler, was her reaction to witnessing the “single nightmare” of violence against women in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.¹ What she saw shattered and changed her forever. One Billion Rising is meant to encourage women and girls to speak out “at the places where they need justice, where they need an end to violence.” The name “One Billion Rising” is taken from the statistic that approximately 1 in 3 women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime. That is one billion women. On February 14, people around the world gathered to rise against this injustice. We rise not only against the atrocities taking place in the DRC, but also the everyday acts of violence against women that are pervasive throughout our culture.

One Billion Rising allows for region specific issues with violence, both partner and non-partner violence, to be addressed at a grassroots level by organizing many different events throughout the world. For the rally in front of the Supreme Court, a few of the goals and issues specifically addressed were justice in the courts for military sexual assault, ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment, passage of the International Violence Against Women Act; sexual assault and violence on campus; internet bullying; sexual shaming; street harassment; as well as the judicial blind-eye given to cases of rape, incest, domestic violence and stalking. According to the event page, “Whatever you rise for or against, let’s band together to make the movement strong!”

I rise for an end to domestic abuse of any kind. In understanding how this campaign ties into domestic abuse and JCADA’s mission specifically, only a quick glance at a few statistics reveals the grave situation of partner violence in the US and around the world. In a recent analysis, “35% of women have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence.” The study emphasizes that most of this violence is comprised of intimate partner violence.² Almost one third of all women around the world, who have been in a relationship, have experienced physical and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner.³ In Australia, Canada, Israel, South Africa and the United States, intimate partner violence accounts for between 40 and 70 percent of female murder victims.

These figures are a wakeup call and while Valentine’s Day has passed, I challenge you to find an opportunity to rise. Rising does not necessarily mean going to a protest or marching in the cold for justice. Rising can be showing your support for a friend or listening to someone who has been silenced.

^1. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eve-ensler/war-on-women-in-congo_b_204949.html

^2. http://www.unwomen.org/en/what-we-do/ending-violence-against-women/facts-and

   figures#sthash.oxtXIUgE.dpuf

^3. http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/

 Learning that “It’s Not Love”

This month's post is a guest blog and was written by Emily Schreck, an intern at Tikkun Olam Women's Foundation. Emily is a sophomore at the University of Maryland and is studying Family Sciences and Women’s Studies. This post originally appeared online at http://towf.org/blog. The Tikkun Olam Women's Foundation provides a generous grant to support the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse's teen dating abuse prevention initiative, AWARE. "It's Not Love" is the cornerstone workshop of AWARE.

Emily and her chapter in their chapter spirit wear.

It was a typical Saturday night and I was headed to my BBYO program. I pulled up in my car and quickly made my way inside. I had entered our chapter’s annual Kallah, a weekend full of Jewish programming to strengthen my chapter’s sisterhood and leadership skills. As a past president of my chapter, I had read the outline of the programs, but did not really know what to expect until I was immersed in the programming.

When I walked in, just a bit late, my friends were already intently listening to a representative from the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (JCADA). The woman introduced herself and the program that we were participating in called “It’s Not Love,” developed by JCADA.  I knew the woman had caught their attention because it was rare that the room would be that quiet. She explained that “It’s Not Love” is based on the concept that if you educate teenage girls about healthy relationships, then abusive relationships in the future can be avoided. Through “It’s Not Love,” JCADA is working to “raise a generation of strong, confident women who will not accept violence in their lives nor in the Jewish community.” This generation will also be able to recognize the warning signs with friends or family and be able to share the resources they were introduced to during the program. The specific program is geared towards the age group and “is a choose-your-own-path workshop” in which participants assume the role of a character who is either in an abusive relationship or a witness to one.

I am grateful that I have not personally, nor have any of my close friends, faced dating violence. Although I have been this lucky, many have not. Recently I read the story of 18-year-old Lauren Dunne Astley, whose life was taken abruptly by her abusive ex-boyfriend. The story was hard for me to read. Among indecisive teenagers, break-ups are relativity common. But, they should end with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and a dramatic reality TV show, not the death of one of the parties involved. In her honor, Lauren’s parents recently pleaded to the Massachusetts state legislators that education is the key to the prevention of teen dating violence.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 10% of teenagers experience some form of violence their in dating relationships. That means in a high school classroom of about thirty students, more than three of them have been abused by a partner. As the CDC reports, dating violence can been seen in many different forms including, but not limited to emotional, physical and sexual abuse. This violence can lead to depression, drug and alcohol abuse, suicidal thoughts, poor performance in school, eating disorders, future abuse and even death in extreme cases such as Lauren Dunne Astley’s. It has been argued that solutions to this issue can be found in educational programs such as “It’s Not Love.”

With grants from Tikkun Olam Women’s Foundation, “It’s Not Love” has reached more than 2,100 different students in the D.C. Metro Area. Tikkun Olam Women’s Foundation’s mission is to fund organizations who “create social change for women and girls,” through grant-making. With the generous grants awarded to JCADA from TOWF, they have been able to develop “It’s Not Love,” in order to education young women about dating violence. Young women and girls, like myself and my friends at BBYO, will learn what is acceptable and what is not in a dating relationship. Women and girls will learn that teddy bears should be given as happy day gifts and break-ups should include Ice Cream induced tummy aches.

    

Sources:

Allen, Evan. “For Grieving Parents, Education the Key.” BostonGlobe.com. N.p., 15 May 2013. Web. 13 June 2013.

“Aware: It’s Not Love.” Aware. Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, n.d. Web. 13 June 2013.

“When Teen Dating Turns Abusive and Violent.” US News. U.S.News & World Report, 10 May 2013. Web. 13 June 2013.

Victim-Blaming in our Culture

by Claire Bernstein, JCADA Intern

In our culture, there is a tendency to blame victims of sexual assault and domestic abuse for the violence they incur. Victim-blaming is when someone thinks that a victim is at fault for being assaulted or abused or did something to provoke or deserve the violence.  Victim-blaming can take on many forms and the media often perpetuates common victim-blaming statements. Some people blame the victim because of the clothes they were wearing or the amount of alcohol they were drinking. Others assume that if violence occurs, then the victim must have done something to anger or upset the abuser. 

In the recent Steubenville rape case, numerous reporters and other individuals blamed a high school girl for her assault instead of holding the football players who committed the rape accountable. On CNN, reporters empathized with the rapists and downplayed the fact that what they did was wrong and their fault. On Twitter and Facebook, thousands of people claimed that the victim was asking to be raped and blamed the assault on her decision to drink alcohol-not on the actions of the two high school boys.  

So why do we victim-blame? Oftentimes, we want to blame the victim in order to convince ourselves that we could never be a victim of sexual assault or domestic violence. When we accuse the victim, we are able to point out ways in which we are different from the victim, and therefore feel more reassured that the same thing could not happen to us. Furthermore, we victim-blame in order to distance ourselves from the violence. It can be really hard to hear stories about sexual assault, so we place the fault on the victim to further separate ourselves from it and avoid confronting the reality of the issue.

The reality is that victim-blaming can have many detrimental effects on victims. Negative attitudes and language towards victims marginalizes them and makes victims feel like they cannot come forward about the assault or abuse. A victim may be scared that if s/he tells about the violence, then people will begin to blame him/her or not believe what is happening. In addition, when victims hear victim-blaming statements, they begin to internalize these ideas and believe them. Victims may convince themselves that it is really their fault and that they need to take responsibility for the violence. Believing that it is their fault makes the healing process much more difficult for victims because it is hard for them to accept that they are not to blame for the sexual assault or domestic abuse. In addition, it is harder for victims to regain control over their lives when they are constantly hearing victim-blaming statements.

More importantly, when people victim-blame, they are also failing to hold perpetrators accountable for their actions. If our society continues to condone victim-blaming, then we will fail to send the message that violence is unacceptable and inexcusable. Perpetrators will continue to feel entitled to gain power and control over others.

In order to change the culture of victim-blaming in our society, it is important that we all show our support for victims of violence and challenge those who continue to blame people for their victimization. When we hear victim-blaming statements, we should question the people who say them and explain why it is never the victim’s fault for experiencing violence and abuse. By avoiding victim-blaming, we can create a community where victims feel more supported and comfortable coming forward about their stories.

Domestic Abuse in the LGBT Community

By Claire Bernstein, JCADA Intern 

According to a recent study published by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 3 heterosexual women, 1 in 3 lesbian women, and 1 in 2 bisexual women have been physically or emotionally abused by an intimate partner. In addition, this study found that 1 in 4 men, regardless of sexual orientation, have experienced violence by an intimate partner. Results from this comprehensive study on sexual violence, intimate partner violence, and stalking remind us that violence is an issue across all sexual orientations and is not limited to specific types of relationships.

Recently, I participated in a webinar hosted by the California Coalition Against Sexual Assault, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and the Northwest Network for domestic violence prevention organizations and advocates. The goal of this presentation was to teach community members about the implications of these study findings and how to better serve people in the LGBT community who are also victims of domestic violence. Here are some of the questions that this webinar raised as well as a few answers:

·         How many of us have seen examples of positive and healthy relationships in the media? Does the media promote healthy same-sex relationships?

o   The media often sensationalizes unhealthy relationships and likes to show the negative interactions between couples. But if we only see examples of unhealthy relationships, how do we learn what a healthy relationship is?

o   The Northwest Network found that many LGBT victims of domestic violence said no one ever told them how to have a healthy relationship. Many people in the LGBT community do not have other couples to look up to, which may make applying the general concepts of respect, trust, and support more challenging. Not knowing what is acceptable in a relationship increases the risk of violence.

·         Although the rates of violence are similar across sexual orientations, are there additional challenges for partners in same sex relationships experiencing domestic violence?

Lambda GLBT Community Services has found that:

o   Abusers in the LGBT community may manipulate their partners using threats of “outing” or exposing their partner’s sexual orientation to friends and family members.

o   Victims of violence in LGBT community may feel extremely isolated, especially if they were already experiencing isolation by family members or friends who are not supportive of their sexual orientation.

o   A LGBT victim may have a more difficult time leaving their abusive partner because they share many of the same friends and are afraid they will lose their support from the LGBT community if they leave their partner.

o   Legal issues for the LGBT community, including court protection and custody of children, can prevent a victim from leaving an abusive relationship.

·         What factors create an environment that condones violence in same-sex relationships?

o   Cultural norms influence the way we think about interpersonal violence. Many of us have heard the phrase “boys will be boys” in reference to brothers or male friends fighting with one another. But, this concept, when applied to actions between partners, minimizes the seriousness of abuse in gay couples.

o   Oppression, especially in the LGBT community, influences our relationships and communities. Because many members of the LGBT community are not given the same rights as other communities, LGBT victims of domestic violence may not believe that they deserve a healthy relationship and one free from violence.

o   The media often emphasizes unhealthy relationships in the LGBT community instead of showing disapproval for violence in relationships.

·         How can our community do a better job of supporting LGBT individuals who are victims of domestic violence?

o   Creating better legal protections and minimizing discrimination will increase LGBT victims’ ability to utilize community resources. Many LGBT victims of violence are afraid to seek help because of prior negative experiences with community resources, so we should make a conscious effort to reach out to the LGBT community.

o   Organizations and resources can specifically promote same-sex relationships using inclusive language. Using inclusive language can encourage people in the LGBT community to get help.

o   Community members and organizations can connect with local and national LGBT organizations to better understand and serve the needs of the LGBT community.

We encourage you to think about these questions and how our society views domestic abuse across all sexual orientations. Hopefully these questions will help you think about the steps we can take to better support all our community members.  JCADA is here to help any victim of sexual violence or domestic abuse and encourages anyone who is struggling with these issues to call our helpline at 1-877-88-JCADA(52232).

Talking To Your Teens About Dating Abuse 

By Claire Bernstein, JCADA Intern

Consider all of the things teens have to deal with on a daily basis- school, friends, sports, hobbies, after-school jobs, community service projects, and college applications. 1 in 3 teens is also dealing with an unhealthy relationship that could include physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from their boyfriend or girlfriend. 

We believe our children would talk to us if he/she was having trouble, but statistics say otherwise. Only 33% of teens who have been in an abusive relationship have ever told anyone. Many victims of dating violence keep quiet and stay in an abusive relationship because they are scared, anxious, embarrassed, or ashamed. A victim may not talk to a parent or other trusted adult because they are worried that their partner will retaliate or hurt them if they tell about the abuse. We cannot assume that our teens will admit to us that their relationship is an unhealthy one, especially unprompted.  

If you think your child is in an unhealthy relationship or you want to raise the topic of teen dating abuse, there are a number of positive actions you can take using the three Ds:

·         Direct

o   Directly talk to your teen and tell them that you are concerned.

o   Pick a private and comfortable place to talk to your child.

o   If your teen jokes about dating violence, take the opportunity to discuss why dating violence is a serious issue.

o   Talk to your teen with a nonjudgmental and open attitude.

o   Use “I” statements when talking to your child: “I feel concerned about your safety” “I get upset when I hear you joke about dating violence”. This will help you teen understand that you are not trying to attack them or their relationship.

·         Distract

o   Encourage your teen to participate in extracurricular activities, school programs, and family events.

o   Abusers often try to isolate a victim, so ensure that your teen has hobbies and activities outside of their dating relationship.

·         Delegate

If your teen is not responsive to your efforts to talk, this is a great strategy for you to use. You are still being proactive and doing something about the violence by getting help from others or raising awareness about teen dating violence.

o   Give your child resources about healthy relationships or how to get help if they are in an abusive relationship.

o   Call JCADA’s helpline at 1-877-88-JCADA(52232) for advice on how to talk to your teen about dating violence.

o   Visit jcada.org for a full list of resources about teen dating violence.

o   Schedule JCADA’s “It’s Not Love” teen dating awareness program for your child’s school or youth group.

To learn more about how you can empower and help your child, visit jcada.org. You can also attend Choose Respect Montgomery, an event on March 3, 2013 for parents and teens to learn about the myths of dating violence and how to help a friend who is in an unhealthy relationship.

During the holiday of Shavuot we read the Megillat Ruth, the story of a convert that travels to Bethlehem with the mother of her late husband. Ruth’s legacy in Judaism is infamous as the ger tzeddek, the righteous convert, whose lineage begot King David. But something that we can all learn from Ruth is how to support someone in need. 

After the passing of her sons, Naomi decided to return to Bethlehem but Ruth would not let her mother-in-law travel alone. She responds, “Wherever you go, I will go; and where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your G-d my G-d. Where you die, I will die, and there will I be buried; G-d do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part you and me.”

Ruth shows deep compassion for Naomi by not letting her go it alone. We all know that life is easier with the support of friends, family and the community. Domestic abuse is no different. 

You can support a friend of relative by:

• Listening with patience and compassion, not judgment.
•  Letting them know that you are concerned for their safety.
• Encouraging them to make their own decisions. 
• Telling your friend the abuse is not their fault.
• Not underestimating the victim’s fear of potential danger; the most dangerous time for a victim is usually after making the decision to leave the abuser. 
• Call JCADA’s helpline for additional suggestions at 1-877-88-JCADA(52232).

No victim of domestic abuse should have to go it alone.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse:

• Confide in someone you trust. 
•  Prepare and emergency kit including money, car keys, clothes, phone numbers, medication and critical documents for yourself and your children. 
•  Create a signal or code with a trusted friend or neighbor to indicate when to call the police. 
• Call JCADA – we are here to help. All calls are strictly confidential. JCADA can help assess your situation, create a safety plan and explore you options.

This Sahvuot, may we as a community provide compassion to those victims in need. A Happy and Healthy Chag Sameach.